This is a joke guide. Some people might even call it a shitpost but still, have fun.
Tired of that pesky RNG? The stupid SCPs and MTF/NTF? On your way to the escape but suddenly some random thing from literally nowhere that you've not seen before comes and kills you? Hate that the jukebox still isn't working?
Well this guide is for YOU! Or anyone else in the entire server.
Before we start this I wanna say that if this for some reason fails, it is entirely your fault by your choices and game sense, so don't come back and complain that: " OMG diDNT WORK !!!! " Oh, and there is no way this CAN'T work, if your saying it doesnt work your just trolling, get out of here.
Now, to fix our first problem.
So tired of getting Class-D every single spawn? Well, I have a solution! Keep playing Class-D until you have a fun time. Once you do this, you must pass to the second problem.
Our second problem.
"OMG!! TheS E stUpied tree-searchers are stealing my keycards! I cant escape from light containment zone! "
Well, to totally break the entire game, you picked up a crowbar/A gun such as a GALIL.
What do you do with this? Wait till its 11:00 and blast the tree-searchers for your keycard. " But box box! They already left! "
Does it look like I actually care? You chase them like your SCP-096, that was YOUR keycard..right? " Wait, box box, cant I just break the checkpoint window!? " No, you can't. Even if you wanted to I know you wanna absolutely murder the researcher.
Our third problem.
"Eyo boex boex, these damn MTF keep rushing light containment zone and I can't get out without them chasing me!"
This problem is easy to solve, just use your mind. I'd recommend hiding in a room such as a checkpoint or a bathroom until they pass and/or get absolutely obliterated by an SCP. ( Remember, if you hide in a bathroom stall, they can't open your stall or they're technically gay. )
Our fourth problem.
" bruh these SCP's are camping the checkpoint/heavy containment zone"
My solution? Pretty much just the answer to the third problem.
Our firth problem.
" gamer NTF just spawned and 5 SCP-682's are camping gate a what do I do "
Well, this is a hard question. Firstly, because 9 times out of 10 you wouldn't make it this far and die by MTF or an SCP, specifically SCP-682/SCP-017. So, if you are here, if you are in a pack with fellow D-Class you must send one to SCP-079, or if he was already talked to get to Gate B, and escape.
And thats all for today. Wait, what? I thought we were only doing Class-D here though then? Uhhhh, alrighty then...
Our sixth problem.
" But box box! This entire time I spawned as researcher! What do I do!? " Well, I'm glad you asked.
FIrstly, you want to be the biggest cunt you can be to those pesky Class-D, steal all their keycards and throw it behind SCP-914 so they're gone forever!
Our seventh problem.
" What now? "
Secondly, you want to get a level 4+ access and get through heavy containment zone, this is all saying if you spawned in the light containment zone. After this, run to your mommy MTF like your a baby, as your only weaklings to their massive superiority.
Our eighth problem.
" Alrighty, what now? "
Lastly, your gonna wanna scream at the Commander to open Gate A. Even though you have perfect access to open it yourself, the Commander has to do it. Once either the Commander, you, or Gate A just eventually opens get outside, run to Gate B tunnels, and scream that you want to be escorted for the 5+ points the MTF/Commander gets. During this, you realize that nobody is actually coming, and you eventually die because SCP-682 comes out of nowhere and eats you because you wanted to be escorted, you sad, dirty, little researcher.
And thats all- okay, we are going too far, we were just gonna do Class-D! .
Our ninth problem.
" Hey uh, box. This entire time I've spawned as an MTF, what do I do? "
Firstly, your a regular MTF. Disappointment commanders are ALWAYS going to let you down. If you DO spawn as one, immediately go into spectate mode to die, and join back into playing before the round starts so you cant be Commander.
Once this is done, go into the gun room, use all the rifle ammo, take an AK47 and rush light containment. Yeah, your gonna be the one that ruins the Class-D's day. Whenever your there, murder all of them and bust into SCP-914. If there is Class-D there, and if one of them screams: "ITS THE COPS! RUN!" You must immediately take them out before they call more Class-D with their " REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE " Mating call. ( Warning! If not quick anough, the Class-D's mating call can cause permanent hearing damage, so be on your toes! )
Our tenth problem.
" Alright, box. What do I do now? "
So, your gonna want to hide for at least 2 minutes, because at that point some SCP's are already on the way to absolutely vore you to death like all the furrys dream to in light containment zone.
I'd recommend hiding at a checkpoint window, or a bathroom stall. Though you can call them gay if they open the stall your in.
Our eleventh problem.
" Okayyy, what now? "
So, we're gonna assume that the time has passed, now you should rush back to the entrance zone. At this point, all the SCP's have most likely broken out from Gate A/Roaming the entrance zone, so what you wanna do is get through the cafeteria, get through Gate A, ( somehow, we're not gonna talk about how your gonna do that. Remember, if you die it will be entirely your fault! ) Once your out, you should make a run for Gate B since for all you know that there could be 48 zombies, 7 SCP-017's, 378 SCP-682's, and who else knows what the hell else, so you get there, and even though you don't technically win if you escape, you escape, leaving all the random researchers left in the facility for dead.
Alright I'm pretty.......wait why? why? Why!?
Our twelfth? Twelveth? IS THERE EVEN A TRUE PLURAL SAYING OF TWELVE!? ANYWAY YOU GET IT, ITS THE TWELVE-TH PROBLEM
"Hey so uh, box, I got SCP, can you help?"
Alright, since your insanely unlucky, even getting an SCP, you got SCP-999, somehow. Even though it counts as a researcher, its still an SCP, so it counts on here.
So, what do you do as SCP-999? You cant really do shit, to be frank. If there is anything anything, find some MTF girlfriend and hog them the entire game, if they die, you find another until they eventually die and you eventually die.
Thats all for SCP-999.
ALRIGHTY! Since there is no other class- wait, what? What're you talking about theres still another one?
" But box box! I spawned as a Chaos Insurgency! "
I don't wanna do this anymore, please stop.
Anyways! What your gonna do is sneakily plant some SLAM's in the MTF spawn room, and as soon as the warmup ends blow it up and make the time you saw SCP-682 vore some Class-D look like a fucking joke.
Anyways, thats all- wait, what do you mean if you spawn at Gate A? You don't, your too unlucky anyways, you would never respawn.
Anyways... thats all. No more classes.
wait, what the hell do you mean theres another class? still spectator?! You cant- you.... why? Get out of here. I don't want you here anymore.