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Story of the Month - January

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Hello, and welcome to the next installment of Story of the Month!

 

The rules are as follows:

 

  • No pornography of any kind. Keep it off-screen. (Mentions of nudity are fine, but NO explicit sex scenes. Period.)
  • Minimum of 4 paragraphs.
  • No troll/meme stories.
  • No tagging anyone who may be in your story. (No exceptions!)

 

Failure to adhere to the above rules will result in your submission being hidden and any future entries for the current month being withheld.

 

**Please note: Rules are subject to change!** 

 

THEME: H U M O R

 

All entries (within rules/reason) will be accepted until January 27th, 2018 at 12:00AM CST after which the voting thread will be opened to designate a winner.

 

(Only entries will be accepted in the comments. All other comments will be hidden.)


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Posted  Edited by John_Ariana_Man

The people: "Jat the jet engine is here!"

*Jat looks at them, scared liked he saw something evil.*

The people: "Jat! help us! we’re in trouble!"

Jat: "What seems to be the problem?" *in a nice smooth voice*

The people: "There’s a little girl lost in that cave *crying* We lost her in the cave after we got attacked!"

Jat: "What attacked you and how far in?! The people: I don’t know! *yelling* it was dark and little light to see!" Please bring her back" *yells louder and continues to cry*

Jat: "Ok, I’ll go get the little girl, let me go get a team and we’ll go in, it will be okay ma’am. I promise I’ll get that girl back."

*Jat grabs his phone and dialed the 3 friends he knew most. Their names were; John Jeez Man, knew to sing really loudly to annoy off the predators, Duc2000, known to his quack, it can shake the earth! But, he can use it to kill his enemies! and last but not least, Xy_, with his super smart brain, he is the wise person out of the group. So, Jat and his team go off into the cave.*

 

After Jat and the other's went into the cave, they turned on their flashlights and looked around for any sights of the little girl. One of them noticed something sticky and smiley 
Duc2000: "Hey guys look! I found something!"

*the others hurried to him*
John Jeez Man: "What is that?" 

Xy_: "It appears to be some type of goo. Whatever this might be, it could lead us to the girl."
*Xy_ takes a sample of it and puts it in a bag. So they continue down into the cave, getting more creepy and cold.
They came across a jacket, It looks like it could fit a little girl. So they take it and move on. Shortly after, they came across two paths that lead to somewhere. They looked down both of them.*
Jat: "There are two paths, we could either split up or stick together" 
Jat: "What are you guys say?"
John Jeez Man: "I say we stick together, whatever that goo looking type thing is, it could possibly take 2 of us out."
Xy_: "I say we split up, it will be faster and quicker for us to find her."
Jat: "Duc2000?"
*Duc2000 is thinking, he is seeing the pros and the cons for each one of them*
Duc2000: "I think....... We should split up."

 Jat: "Alright, we will spilt up. Duc2000 and Xy_ go one way and John Jeez Man and I will go the other way."
*After splitting up, they make markers on the path for them to tell which way is the back. On the right path, Xy_ and Duc2000 find more of that goo that they found earlier. He pulls out the sample he took and compares it* 
Xy_: "Huh? Why is this one different color?"
*this time, he feels it*
Duc2000: "It’s also warm, like, something was just here not too long ago."

*Xy_ hears something coming behind them and quickly turns around! Duc2000 and Xy_ look at it from top to bottom. It appears to be humanoid goo dropping figure. The two quickly took action, they knew whatever was down here, was bad! But! Before Duc2000 can quack, it throws a pile of sticky goo on his head and continues to throw more at him. Xy_ does a karate kick on the sticky goo faces! It falls down and stops throwing goo on Duc2000. The goo is so strong, Duc2000 can’t move nor breathe! Xy_ has to think fast! He does profe tackle move him and starts throwing punches on its face! But the power of the goo sticks to his hands and traps him. He’s stuck! and Duc2000 is slowly dying! He yells for Jat and John Jeez Man, but they are too far down to hear him. Xy_ sees more humanoid looking objects coming up. He twists and turns, struggling for his life! but can’t get free. They take him and carry him down, by now, Duc2000 is now... Dead.
While goo figures take Xy_ down to their cambers, Jat and John Jeez Man are still looking at the walls, down the path. 
Not knowing what happened to the other friends! They came to a light, that's leading to the right. They heard sounds, they think it’s the goo people talking but not too sure. They get real close and see what’s happening. It’s the girl and two of the goo looking objects! They plan their attack but as they start. They see more of them coming their way and they have to hide quick. Jat takes cover behind some of this old rusty material objects, while John Jeez Man quickly runs and jumps over a couple of barrels. He slips and makes a huge sound! They all stop and look over at his direction. They slowly walked over to the noise that was made. Leaving a chance to Jat to move into the room where the little girl is. Jat takes the chance and hurries in. He looks at the girl and put his finger to his lips signaling the girl to be quiet. The girl looks like a mess, dirty with tears down her cheeks and cold without her jacket. Jat walks up to the cage where she’s in. Jat tries to open it but looks to see there's a lock there! Jat looks for something to lockpick it with. He finds a sharp bone and he noticed she is wearing a hairpin. he tells her to give it to him. She takes it off her hair and her hair brings to fall down. Jat uses the hairpin and the sharp bone to open the lock and take her out. John Jeez Man sees Jat opening the lockpick and getting the little girl. So he looks and kicks over a barrel to distract the enemies, he sees them clearly, 5 over them, 10 feet from where he is. Jat realizes he has now a way to escape with the little girl and so he takes it, leaving John Jeez Man behind. With the singing he has, he’s about to sing Let it go. He does it super loudly, after a couple of seconds. The five of them start to scream in their goo forum language. The other goo things that killed Duc2000 and took Xy_ as lunch for later, start to run in a weird scary way. Now Xy_ is left alone, crying, he just saw his good friend... die. He thinks he is useless now. Powerless. But all of sudden, he sees this bird human looking shape. It’s Duc2000!  Xy_ is so happy to see him, he thought he was dead!*
Xy_: "I thought you were a dead man, what happened?!"
Duc2000: "Oh, I managed to get free somehow, anyways, no time for question, let's get out of here"
*As they run back following the path they came through, John Jeez Man realizes, more start to come up behind the goo looking objects, 5, turns into 8
He sees that his singing doesn’t affect them. They slowly start to gain upon him. He grabs whatever he can and throws it at them. But it does nothing. Each one of them threw a piece of goo at him, but it wasn’t any type of goo. It has razer, sharp, spikes! One hit in the arm, the leg, hand, chest, another to the chest, another to the chest, one in the head and the last on the hand. John Jeez Man drops to the floor slowly, first on his knees, then falls flat on the ground. The blood then starts to leak from his bloody body. The 8 start to chop his body and start to eat it, ripping out guts and taking out chunks of his flesh by the end, it was too horrific to see.
John Jeez Man was officially... Dead.
*While Duc2000 and Xy_ heading back and Jat with the little girl. Soon finally met at the beginning of the split. They see each other and head out of the cave. The people outside waiting for Jat. They are Happy and yelling out Jat's name! The little girl was saved and Jat threw her jacket over her shoulders. Xy_ and Duc2000 noticed to see that they didn’t find John Jeez Man anywhere. They walked up to Jat.*
Xy_: "What happened to John?"
Jat: "He’s still down there"
*Duc2000 immediately reacts*
Duc2000: "YOU LEFT HIM DOWN THERE!?!"
Jat: "Yeah, he distracted them as I got the girl"

*They both start to freak out. Jat asks them*
Jat: "What’s wrong?"
Duc2000: "They will kill him down there!"
*Xy_ says right after*
Xy_: "Yeah! We have to go and save him! We can’t just leave him down there!"
*The three started to go down, they went left and came across the eight that were down there. Duc2000 being behind them, he gets a loud in time quack! Shake the ground and has sharp rocks splits them into half, they die and vanishes away. They quickly saw what happened to John Jeez Man. The look they saw, would never leave their minds. They left John Jeez Man in there. They went back to their daily lives without a word on what they did that day. Jat was a hero to the people that brought back the girl from the cave. But had the guilt for leaving John Jeez Man behind. But they slowly forget, it all ever happened in there, and John Jeez Man, will still be there.

Edited by John_Ariana_Man

Server Manager of Squad.

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  • Bae pinned this topic

Goddamn Aliens

Mama always said the Aliens would come. She'd put me in her lap and say "Ginnaye, those goddamn aliens will get you if cant fight back. Now here, take this rifle and go shoot some cans in the back."

When I got back she'd always ask me "Ginnaye, did you shoot some aliens?" and I'd say yes.
The aliens did come. But they didn't have green skin and big eyes. They had pale skin and eyes that looked like they were staring into your fucking soul.
"They're here" my mom whispered as they climbed out of their dark ships in the middle of the night. Mama grabbed her shotgun. Uncle Ted ran out of the garage with a wrench and swung it at them. A dark figure behind the aliens lifted his arm and a giant boom shook our little house. Uncle Ted fell over and screamed. The boom must've been what caused his chest to be bleeding.

The other Aliens walked up to our house.

"Don't come near now, ya hear?" Mama yelled. "I been preparin my whole life just to kill one of you Aliens!" She pumped the shotgun. Mama had a wild look in her eyes like when Papa used to come home drunk.

"Get the fuck away, or I'll shoot!" She said, once again making me think of drunk Papa.
"Mama, Uncle Ted's hurt!" I told her. "Should I go get him?"

"No Ginnaye, their just trying to draw you out." She told me. "Why don't you give my brother mercy and use your powers to kill him, huh? He's sufferin so much."

"Ma'am, just let us in and you will all be fine." One of the pale aliens said, right next to the door. Their dark friend glared at us menacingly. 

Just then, a figure lept off the roof on top of the dark alien. It was Papa!

"Dont you worry. I saw this dude at the bar. I can take him!" he told us.

"Papa you're drunk. This ain't no bar fly. Its a goddamn alien!" I yelled at him.

He laughed and tried to stab the Alien with a fork, probably from the bar. That Alien would be lucky if it didn't get AIDs or somethin.

"Papa's got it mama!" I said excitedly.

"shhhhhh" she said.

Uncle Ted had stopped screaming. Was he dead? Nope. The pale Alien in front of the door was yanked away. "I learned some things in 'nam!" Uncle Ted yelled. "IF YOU WANNA KILL A MAN AIM FOR THE HEAD!" Uncle Ted had never been to Vietnam, much less fought in the war.

Mama kicked the door down. "Who needs a headful of lead?" She screamed and shot the alien uncle ted was wrestling right in his big ol' alien head. And oh did that thing burst. The alien did not look like it had fun. The dark alien through Papa away and made a boom at him. Papa screamed. Mama pumped her shotgun and shot the other pale alien who was behind a tree tryin to do telepathy or somethin.

"DIE!" she yelled, pumping the gun again and shooting the dark alien in his chest. He flew backwards and stood up.

"It survived!" I yelled.

The dark alien boomed mama. I pulled my little handgun outta my pocket as it walked towards me.

"Say goodbye!" I said and shot it in the head. This time, the alien died properly.

Mama got up. "Good shootin" she told me.

She walked to one of the pale aliens and turned the body over with her foot.

"Careful mama. Could be poisonous." I cautioned

"Oh it's poison alright. The worst kind." she said, reading the tag on the aliens suit.

James Johnson, Assistant Tax collector

The end.

I hope this was semi-easy to read, I decided on a different character diction for it.


“I was so good at being a kid, and so terrible at being whatever I was now.”
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

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Achievements

Humor Is Not My Strongsuit

 

 

          Ethan was the average student. He kept to himself, got remarkable grades, stayed out of trouble; there was nothing really unique to him. He brought forth this epiphany in class when they decided to throw a randomized-role talent show. I hope I just get something easy, like magic...or prostitute for all that matters, he thought to himself. As it was his turn to pick out an assignment, he stood lazily and sauntered to the front of the dull, beige room.

        As he approached the glass bowl containing the scraps of paper deciding his embarrassing fate, Ethan began thinking about all the other choices he could select instead. I'm only the fourth person grabbing one. The twins got singing duet, the neanderthal who he was certain couldn't speak English, or any language but caveman, got a drum solo. My choices are there, now let's see about my luck. He dove his hand into the bowl and with a few paper-cuts, received his sentence. He clutched the paper close to him and opened it slowly, sealing his destiny with his spilling blood. With eyes closed, the paper was pulled fully open and with a deep breath, read out to the class. "My talent show assignment is to perform a....Stand Up Comedy session?" 

      It was all over. Ethan was to die, and his classmates would be his pallbearers. He had his anxiety, of course, but comedy and jokes have been a touchy subject the past few years. He would have to wait until he got home to freely break down. For now: he was to smile and pick out his casket attire.

      Once home, Ethan called his best friend, the king of comedy in their school. Once Jason made it to his house, they unloaded their backs, grabbed all the food and soda they could carry and scurried into Ryan's room with a satisfying thud . "So, I got a talent show project coming up." Ryan started off, opening his drink. "I got the absolute worst assignment. I'm talking I'd rather be that guy who thinks that because he listens to screamo, he's good at performing it in public. I need your help, man."

      Jason snorts and slides a controller across the floor to pick it up. "What exactly can I help you with if it's that bad?" He grabs Ryan's drink and chugs it, passing him a fresh one to replace it.

      "Well, I got comedian. We both know black-haired, pasty white teens are not allowed to tell jokes."

     Jason looks at him and nods in agreement and thought. "People like memes. Maybe reference them?" With eyes widening, he smacks Ryan on the knee with his revelation. "Two words, man. Black people."

       Ryan wasn't uncomfortable with the rest of the conversation, so he tuned his racist humor out and played games until night. Tomorrow was the talent show, and Ryan had nothing. He knew that he couldn't afford to fail this. Maybe Jason was right. About the memes, not the slavery. Ryan confirms to himself.

       There was not much memory of the talent show. Ryan seemingly teleported from the entrance, to the back stage, to the front of the stage with a microphone and a dry erase board, one he brought from home without realizing. He was drawing a blank, admitting his defeat instantly. Wait! Drawing! He grabbed his dry erase board and drew a sloppy, shaken triangle. He raised it up in resemblance to the Lion King, and at the top of his lungs, he shouts 

 

"MEME!"

 

The crowd slowly began laughing, and he was relieved. It went on this way for 20 minutes. All was well! Nothing went wrong! They all loved him!

 

"Now, let's just mention the biggest joke there is... Equality"

 

The End


 

 


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Achievements

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