General Inactivity For Probably A Month Or So

[Roy 10,832 / 0]

Hi everyone,

 

I know some of you have probably seen this type of thread from me before and the truth is, I've been inactive already within GFL itself recently besides taking care of emergencies and working at our hosting provider (GSK, specifically developing (D)DoS mitigation/prevention systems).

 

I just wanted to provide some reasonings for this and also explain why I'm going to be inactive for a while more in GFL specifically. I'm also really frustrated with myself because once I want to start working on GFL itself again, I run into health issues which prevents me from going any further. The reason for these health issues are technically my fault, which is why I get frustrated with myself. However, things have been slowly getting better the past couple months besides my recent health issues and some mental issues which I'll explain below. The reason I'm taking a more extended break is because I want to prevent this never-ending loop of motivating myself to work on GFL and then something getting in the way such as health issues. I'm finally starting to take care of myself, but I need more time to prevent me from breaking that run. With that said, when I said I want to work on GFL again, this is more related to working on general development projects and "assisting"/offering advice on expansions and anything else that I may have experience on. The truth is I don't think I'll ever be able to get fully involved with the front-end of GFL again with its current system and this just because I feel it's a system that I wouldn't strive in (it's still a great system in my opinion, but it's just not a system I'd strive in since I'm used to running GFL prior to its implementation which is what I was used to). I'd obviously prefer trying to utilize myself in areas I'd strive in because otherwise, issues will occur in GFL itself, my health will likely be impacted, and it wouldn't be fair to all of you (as long as GFL isn't literally burning down of course, but I sure hope it doesn't get to that point).

 

Anyways, in regards to my health issues, starting two weeks ago I had shortness of breath and chest pain (specifically starting in my left lung/back area and then spreading to my right lung area a few days later). At this time I was also lifting weights and I put it off as pain from "lifting". However, it wasn't improving day after day. With that said, my new health insurance doesn't start until next month so I was trying to do everything possible to prevent myself from going to a doctor or the ER (I've read so many horror stories of people receiving a $96K bill without health insurance after a visit in the ER for example). This issue has been causing me a lot of restless/sleepless nights though and my quality of life has decreased significantly from it. I also have very bad anxiety and I was constantly going into attacks thinking I was having a heart attack which certainly didn't help. Two days ago, I decided to bite the bullet and finally head to Urgent Care (I've read they were a lot more cheaper than ERs). They did a chest x-ray and did tests on my heart. The chest x-ray showed nothing wrong with my lungs (e.g. no Pneumonia which was something I was suspecting initially) and my heart tests came back as normal. They believed I was experiencing GERD and damage to my esophagus which would make sense (this Reddit thread really nails what I'm experiencing for those interested). For those that do not know, I had an endoscopy done in March of 2020 because I would constantly choke on solid food (which was also a scary experience for me considering I've lived alone for the past three years and when you're choking on food for 30 seconds, trying to drink as much water as possible, it can be one hell of an experience, in a bad way lol). It was discovered I had an acid reflux infection, but I wasn't given any medication to treat it other than told to improve my life style such as exercising and eating healthier. I did try improving with exercising, but that ironically led to other health issues that completely unmotivated me from continuing to exercise (I really wish I didn't stop though and just pushed through the health issues since they would should have healed within time anyways). Also for those wondering, the Urgent Care visit was only $381.82 for the tests and they also included some other things like cleaning my ears out. I'm actually really happy with their service and pricing considering I was worried I'd receive a bill of $2000+ lol.

 

Now, I haven't really opened up about this (only mentioning this because it's related to my current health issues above) and I'm not going to go into major detail (only three people know about these issues in detail in and outside of GFL and I thank them for helping me through it), but I do believe I suffer from depression and major anxiety (I've never had it diagnosed and don't really plan on to because I hate talking/thinking about it in general, but it is I'm pretty sure). Before I started my new job, I had a very bad alcohol/drinking problem that lasted six - seven months or so. The depression didn't get really bad until two years ago or so, but once I got hooked on drinking, it got really bad and I was in a really bad state of mind for a long time. Reasons for this was due to some personal-related things and also career-related (I was stuck at my last job for three+ years along with being miserable with the job itself other than my amazing colleagues and saw no future in myself at all along with being convinced I'd never achieve my dreams and convinced I wasn't nearly as talented as people said I was). Thankfully, I've improved a lot since then and while I still do drink sometimes (on the weekends if anything), I'm cutting it out of my life entirely or limiting it to once a month (but obviously, it would be best to just cut it entirely). The binge drinking heavily impacted my esophagus and I do believe this plays a big part in my GERD/esophagus problems I'm experiencing now along with just general mental health. Before continuing, I also want to say if you have these type of issues or other type of mental health issues, please don't be afraid to seek professional help or reach out to someone. You can even reach out to me and I'll listen, but never think you're alone, and I say that from experience. If you're living alone, I know it's far easier said than done (and I'm still working on this), but try taking walks outside or go on your balcony to get sunlight if you have one (it has improved my life other than the recent health issues mentioned above). I've been cooked up in my apartment for three years now living along and I rarely would ever leave (all I'd do is program/network, work, or game/other things) and I highly believe that has contributed to my mental issues.

 

To mitigate/heal my GERD/esophagus, I've started taking Omeprazole along with making huge life style changes. For example, for the past five days I've done one - two hour workouts including walking for 6000 - 10000 steps, shadow boxing, and lifting weights). I'm also making a lot of diet changes (although I've made big cuts a couple months ago from ordering out, I want to cut it entirely and rely completely on my Jenny Craig healthy meal plan). All of this has helped, but I don't want to take Omeprazole long-term due to some of the worrying recent studies on long-term side effects located here which is very interesting if medicine is your thing.

 

Apart from that, I am still going strong with my new job and really happy with my progress 😄 With that said, I am going to obviously continue that along with assisting with general network issues in GFL and emergencies. However, for anything else, I do want to take a month or so more off for that so I can focus on myself and not break that loop like I've done far too many times before. It's truly time I take care of myself because the past month has been the scariest time of my life due to some of the symptoms of my health issues (and I thought the choking issues I've had for a year and a half was lol). I'm also planning to take a road trip back to my parent's house in the next two months since I haven't seen them for almost three years now and I miss my family/dogs (one has already passed away since I last seen them 😞). That's going to be something I'm looking forward to and I'm going to go to the beach for the first time in many years as well which will be nice!

 

I'm sorry for writing so much and getting personal in this post. I just felt you all needed to know what's going on with me and I wanted to prevent people from thinking I'm ignoring GFL or them or anything else like that (e.g. people thinking I'm an asshole for it, I'm just going through health issues at the moment).

 

To end, I'm going to try my best to come back stronger than ever and I wanted to thank all of you as well for choosing to play and help improve GFL!

 

[Salad 1,132 / 18,942]

Take care of yourself Roy, that comes before anything GFL related, we love ya. 

[VilhjalmrF 2,099 / 30,684]

See you later man! 👋

[Shuruia 3,145 / 28,023]

Yeah, anxiety attacks are no joke. I have them frequently as well, and the worst ones make you feel as though you're about to die of a heart attack. I live alone most of the time too, so it helps for me to go outside and walk around my street a bit. If it gets especially bad, I make sure to stand close to someone's front door so I can ask for help if I need it. Having some of those little reassurances can help a lot with the worse anxiety attacks, I feel. The fact that I get occasional heart palpitations regardless of my anxiety really doesn't help, either. I know it's been affecting your lifestyle, but I hope it's not too drastic.

 

Shadowboxing is a great workout routine, and I'm glad to see you've acclamated to it well. I also used to incorporate it into my daily routine, but nowadays I mostly do dancing for that. Routine is important for mental health, and I hope for more people to understand this.

 

Good luck in your endeavours!

[Roy 10,832 / 0]

5 hours ago, Salad said:

Take care of yourself Roy, that comes before anything GFL related, we love ya. 

Thank you 🙂 

 

3 hours ago, VilhjalmrF said:

See you later man! 👋

I'll still be here! Just probably not active doing general stuff in GFL. I still want to play Halo with you and @Ozkody or Killes at some point, but I just need these health issues to go away first!

 

1 hour ago, Shuruia said:

Yeah, anxiety attacks are no joke. I have them frequently as well, and the worst ones make you feel as though you're about to die of a heart attack. I live alone most of the time too, so it helps for me to go outside and walk around my street a bit. If it gets especially bad, I make sure to stand close to someone's front door so I can ask for help if I need it. Having some of those little reassurances can help a lot with the worse anxiety attacks, I feel. The fact that I get occasional heart palpitations regardless of my anxiety really doesn't help, either. I know it's been affecting your lifestyle, but I hope it's not too drastic.

 

Shadowboxing is a great workout routine, and I'm glad to see you've acclamated to it well. I also used to incorporate it into my daily routine, but nowadays I mostly do dancing for that. Routine is important for mental health, and I hope for more people to understand this.

 

Good luck in your endeavours!

I'm honestly beginning to think anxiety is impacting me a lot as well in this situation. After the Urgent Care visit, they mentioned it could be asthma and I was looking into that before the visit as well. Apparently many people with GERD have asthma and vice versa. So after that, the anxiety or w/e made me start thinking I was having an asthma attack and then I was like "could it be fatal? Will I die from this? Will my air ways get completely closed out of nowhere?". It honestly hasn't been a fun time and I'm having the shortness of breath/heartburn again after a very small meal, but at least I got 11000+ steps in today already which is a good sign. I also got an inhaler in case it was asthma, but don't really see much of an improvement after using it. I think another sign it's likely not asthma is I don't notice any difference with breathing when doing intense workouts.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the heart palpitations as well, I'd imagine that makes it a lot more scary, but I'm glad you are standing in front of somebody's door when having it. I actually wonder if I could be having heart palpitations as well after reading the symptoms. I think I may also try going out on my balcony more while having these attacks or w/e so if something were to happen, somebody will see a body just laying on the balcony which adds a little bit assurance in my opinion lol.

 

Shadow-boxing is great to be honest and I often combine it with walking in my apartment. I've been trying to dance a lot more as well which has boosted my mood and I feel is good exercise. I also agree about the routine and I also feel just having something to look forward to such as a road trip is great as well. With that said, I found just making small changes so life doesn't seem so stale (because that's what I was running into for a while) helps a lot with it. Like taking a different walking path you haven't taken before for example.

 

Also, do you have any shortness of breath with your attacks and if so, are you constantly yawning? I am constantly trying to yawn to get a deep full breath which sucks. Each one via yawning doesn't even feel satisfying though and a lot of times I need to yawn like 4 - 5 times to get a full deep breath 😞

[VilhjalmrF 2,099 / 30,684]

1 minute ago, Roy said:

I'll still be here! Just probably not active doing general stuff in GFL. I still want to play Halo with you and @Ozkody or Killes at some point, but I just need these health issues to go away first!

your health always comes first my dude

[Lachaine 114 / 3,521]

Get well soon mate, we'll try our best not to burn down the place while you're gone!

[Alexis 578 / 12,012]

Health first always, take the time you need!

[DrakoHD 222 / 4,291]

1v1 me on css again ill destroy you. nah but have a good time man take all the time you need you come first 

[Royal 94 / 3,066]

8 hours ago, Roy said:

If you're living alone, I know it's far easier said than done (and I'm still working on this), but try taking walks outside or go on your balcony to get sunlight if you have one (it has improved my life other than the recent health issues mentioned above). I've been cooked up in my apartment for three years now living along and I rarely would ever leave (all I'd do is program/network, work, or game/other things) and I highly believe that has contributed to my mental issues.

I relate with this a lot. I think it's huge and I'm glad you're preaching it. It's important to keep taking steps, even the tiniest efforts and pushes will contribute to the snowball effect that leads to the change that we want. I relate a lot to the mental health issues, the anxiety and depression. I truly believe the thing that's helped me the most with my stuff is Meditation, and I urge you and everyone else who reads this to give it a try because for me, it really does help a ton. 

 

It's good to hear that you're doing better and that you're going to take the steps you need to overcome and grow, I find it all very inspiring and I bet I'm not the only one.

 

Also shadow boxing is sick

[Roy 10,832 / 0]

4 hours ago, DrakoHD said:

1v1 me on css again ill destroy you. nah but have a good time man take all the time you need you come first 

I BEAT YOU LAST TIME!!! Let me get back to my prime levels and I will rekt you and finally @Pyros.  

 

 

 

1 hour ago, Royal said:

I relate with this a lot. I think it's huge and I'm glad you're preaching it. It's important to keep taking steps, even the tiniest efforts and pushes will contribute to the snowball effect that leads to the change that we want. I relate a lot to the mental health issues, the anxiety and depression. I truly believe the thing that's helped me the most with my stuff is Meditation, and I urge you and everyone else who reads this to give it a try because for me, it really does help a ton. 

 

It's good to hear that you're doing better and that you're going to take the steps you need to overcome and grow, I find it all very inspiring and I bet I'm not the only one.

 

Also shadow boxing is sick

I'm glad it's helping you! As for the medication, I've always been afraid to use medication, pretty much for anything really long-term due to the side effects short and long-term. What type of medication do you use specifically if you don't mind me asking so I can look up the side effects, etc?

 

I also agree shadow boxing is awesome!

[Joshy 4,364 / 44,927]

I feel like a lot of people share a similar experience to you.  I know I went through a small drinking phase myself and shared the same feelings at one point.   Good thing you caught it and are on track to stop or minimize it.  You're doing the right thing.  You're doing great 🙂

 

Spoiler

Not denying depression or that it's not an issue.  It's something I feel like I don't understand and don't think I went through that myself or didn't recognize it.  I hope you're okay.  I know it's a very serious issue and challenging to overcome.  I'm rooting for you.

 

Hate to keep chucking advise at you and seem like I lack compassion, but something I recommend looking into is an HSA card.  I think that'll help remove future concerns about healthcare expenses regardless of your benefits or when they kick in.  You'll never lose that money even if you quit or switch jobs although HSA can only be used on healthcare items; that money is also pulled from your paycheck tax-free similar to 401k and make your income look lower (so it'll help you with your taxes).

[Royal 94 / 3,066]

9 hours ago, Roy said:

I'm glad it's helping you! As for the medication, I've always been afraid to use medication, pretty much for anything really long-term due to the side effects short and long-term. What type of medication do you use specifically if you don't mind me asking so I can look up the side effects, etc?

 

Honestly I'm not a fan of medication. I was prescribed Prozac for a year when I was 16 for MDD, but I hated it. I don't think it really helped me at all, after that I did more research on anti depressants and I've steered clear. I do have a bad marijuana issue, which makes me relate to your drinking stuff. I don't really do anything else besides that though, never really drank much in my life. Never been on any medication after that besides a rare ibuprofen or allergy pill here or there.

What I specifically wanted to share with y'all was Meditation. Like when people talk about clearing your mind, focusing on your breath for example, that's what I'm talking about. I feel like it's something that most people have tried, but don't fully understand enough to see benefits at all. There's a lot more to it and I think it's something that can help everyone. Meditation is part of Yoga, and Yoga is a whole thing in India and other parts of the world. In NA, Yoga instructors can just set up show anywhere, but in India, you need to go to school full time for years in order to become a Yoga instructor, and it doesn't have a high passing rate. I believe this stuff is what NA might need in the mental health crisis that we're facing these days. Anyway, the video does a better job explaining stuff. This is the real deal Yoga and meditation that people need to see: 

 

[Pyros 1,796 / 30,750]

12 hours ago, Roy said:

I BEAT YOU LAST TIME!!! Let me get back to my prime levels and I will rekt you and finally @Pyros.  

You got knifed several times, xd

Hope you feel better soon

[Roy 10,832 / 0]

22 hours ago, Joshy said:

I feel like a lot of people share a similar experience to you.  I know I went through a small drinking phase myself and shared the same feelings at one point.   Good thing you caught it and are on track to stop or minimize it.  You're doing the right thing.  You're doing great 🙂

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Not denying depression or that it's not an issue.  It's something I feel like I don't understand and don't think I went through that myself or didn't recognize it.  I hope you're okay.  I know it's a very serious issue and challenging to overcome.  I'm rooting for you.

 

Hate to keep chucking advise at you and seem like I lack compassion, but something I recommend looking into is an HSA card.  I think that'll help remove future concerns about healthcare expenses regardless of your benefits or when they kick in.  You'll never lose that money even if you quit or switch jobs although HSA can only be used on healthcare items; that money is also pulled from your paycheck tax-free similar to 401k and make your income look lower (so it'll help you with your taxes).

Thank you 🙂 I'm happy I caught onto it early as well. I know some people who went with heavy drinking problems (worse than me) for over 10 - 20 years. I'm glad I caught onto it before a year.

 

17 hours ago, Royal said:

Honestly I'm not a fan of medication. I was prescribed Prozac for a year when I was 16 for MDD, but I hated it. I don't think it really helped me at all, after that I did more research on anti depressants and I've steered clear. I do have a bad marijuana issue, which makes me relate to your drinking stuff. I don't really do anything else besides that though, never really drank much in my life. Never been on any medication after that besides a rare ibuprofen or allergy pill here or there.

What I specifically wanted to share with y'all was Meditation. Like when people talk about clearing your mind, focusing on your breath for example, that's what I'm talking about. I feel like it's something that most people have tried, but don't fully understand enough to see benefits at all. There's a lot more to it and I think it's something that can help everyone. Meditation is part of Yoga, and Yoga is a whole thing in India and other parts of the world. In NA, Yoga instructors can just set up show anywhere, but in India, you need to go to school full time for years in order to become a Yoga instructor, and it doesn't have a high passing rate. I believe this stuff is what NA might need in the mental health crisis that we're facing these days. Anyway, the video does a better job explaining stuff. This is the real deal Yoga and meditation that people need to see: 

 

I used to vape CBD + THC for a little over year, but I stopped that 7 - 8 months ago. I won't lie, it did help with sleeping during that time, but I really didn't like vaping/smoking it due to long-term issues with lungs, etc. So I decided recently to try CBD + Delta-8 THC oil (which is legal in Texas by the way) to see if it would help with my sleep. Let's just say it it put me through the worst panic/anxiety attack of my life for 36 hours straight (to the point I didn't remember who I was, what I did, what my name was, and I was constantly sweating, shaking, and I felt my heart was beating super super fast). It sucks because it used to help me a lot back a year ago, but the anxiety has been so bad from it that I just can't do it anymore. That last attack was literally a life changing experience in a bad way and I do think the anxiety I got from that still lingers, but I'm getting better. I stopped doing it a couple months ago and won't be doing it again probably because I feel it's better to adjust my life style to help sleep, etc.

 

As for the medication, yeah, me too, especially after reading more and more side effects which is probably my fault lol.

 

I'm definitely going to check out those meditation/yogo videos as well, thank you! Perhaps they'll help with relaxing me and allowing me to finally sleep. Speaking of which, I was able to sleep okay today for the first time in four days lol. Good timing because I am in gear right now at work.

 

14 hours ago, Pyros said:

You got knifed several times, xd

Hope you feel better soon

Thank you! And man, I completely forgot about that CS 1.6 server. When was that, 2017? Time fliesssssss

[Pyros 1,796 / 30,750]

10 hours ago, Roy said:

When was that, 2017? Time fliesssssss

12/jul/2017, at least according to steam. Im very happy to say that from there to today I would still win against you in cs, and also knife you at least once xD

[Ozkody or Killes 67 / 2,270]

Damn Roy make sure to stay well and healthy 

[Roy 10,832 / 0]

On 5/20/2021 at 8:03 AM, Pyros said:

12/jul/2017, at least according to steam. Im very happy to say that from there to today I would still win against you in cs, and also knife you at least once xD

Maybeeeeeeee

 

On 5/23/2021 at 11:14 AM, Ozkody or Killes said:

Damn Roy make sure to stay well and healthy 

Doing my best from now on 🙂 

[myAyyLMAOgame 1 / 128]

Anxiety and depression is no joke. Even though I've only joined the community recently, I hope you do well and have your outlets to reach out to in case things get bad. Take care

[Roy 10,832 / 0]

On 5/30/2021 at 1:44 AM, myAyyLMAOgame said:

Anxiety and depression is no joke. Even though I've only joined the community recently, I hope you do well and have your outlets to reach out to in case things get bad. Take care

Thank you 🙂