This Is Actually Serious. Read if you want.

[EJ. 638 / 12,615]

Well, I decided to make a serious post for once. Wow, shocking, right?

Anyways, this is going to get madly personal, and if you don't want to read, you can stop here.

 

So.... on to the seriousness.

 

It all started 10 years ago (wow, still can't believe it was 10) when my mom and dad got divorced. Still, to this day, I think it is all my fault. That's when the nice #A1 depression started to happen. (Before going any further, I should state that I am the "Middle Child" between my 3 Sisters (technically 2, one is transgender, wants to be a guy), and zero brothers). I always wanted an actual brother, and when I found out my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister, while dating my *soon to be* Abusive Step-Father, I was crushed. I just wanted a brother. Ya know, someone to play video games with, or play catch, or anything brothers would do. I wouldn't have minded so much if my dad was a huge part of my life (which he isn't, still to this day), but of course, I had really nobody at all now. Even worse, I got to go through the Anxiety of moving (for the 3rd time) to a new city, a new house, a new school, and with my *then* Abusive Step-Father (same guy). 

 

I was not ready for the change, leaving behind all of my friends from my old school (again), and being forced to meet new people and try and make friends with all of them. Turns out, all of them are dicks, still to this day (7 years later). But, of course, my mom was in love with a piece of shit guy, who was extremely abusive (mentally, emotionally, and physically). These 7 years were the worst 7 years of my life, because I had to mature way to quickly, be forced into a bunch of extra-curricular activities I never wanted to do, being put through all of the abuse, having to stand up to my own father (because of shit my "brother" did to my mom), ruining many relationships within my family, losing the trust of many people in my family, finding out that my "step-father's" family didn't like me either, thought I was a piece of shit, thought that I wasn't "good enough" for their family, and was fake to my face.

 

Eventually (actually, early 2016), my mom and my abusive step-father got divorced, and again I was hit with the harsh reality of thinking it was all my fault they got divorced. I still do believe that to this day. Now, I am in 10th Grade, and faced with an enormous amount of depression, stress, and anxiety, all because of a deadbeat dad, and an abusive step-father to ruin my life. Even worse, they rubbed off on my mom, who now acts like a piece of shit to me, just like my abusive step-father did, and just not caring, like my dad does.

 

I am going to be honest, I have contemplated the pros and cons of suicide, multiple times. There hasn't been a day recently where I thought: "If I bring a rope to school with me the next day, I can hang myself before I get home from school, and nobody would know until they look for me that night." My depression has gotten even worse than it normally is, because I am having reality rape me in the ass. My "High School Crush", has another guy liking her, just like I do. The weird part is the fact he got extremely jealous of me, and told me a lot of shit, that just crushed me. I felt heartbroken when I saw all that stuff he said to me. All I could think of, at the time, was "Why wouldn't she tell me this stuff? We told each other everything, but why would she tell him these things about me, and not tell me?" I was so confused, heartbroken, and just generally destroyed. I never cried so hard in my life (yes, I am a sensitive bitch), but I couldn't believe it. I wanted to ask her, but I just decided to leave her alone, and go with the guy she wanted to date. I am currently regretting that decision, but it is probably for the best, for both of us. I want her to be happy, and it seems like she is. While for me, even though I am happy for her, I am not happy myself.

 

Anyways, if I seem a little "off" at all, you all probably know why. 

 

Thanks for spending your time to read this, I know it's really long, I am sorry.

 

Sincerely,

-EJ

[Omid 215 / 5,687]

maybe u should talk to a therapist 

[EJ. 638 / 12,615]

2 minutes ago, Omid said:

maybe u should talk to a therapist 

I would, but that is too much work to take care of.

[Maskiee 230 / 4,428]

Hmmmm.... Interesting read before I end my night and call it a day. Although I give you a hard time, as much as most others.... I'm here if you need me. I've been through a lot of similar things family wise, which might be reasoning to why I'd be able to help you out on this a bit more than others who don't quite understand the situation, but you have people here for you, man. Think about our little Deathrun family. Haha. You got a whole world of people that'll talk to you. Just give them a chance. Life's full of surprises, and many ups and downs, but how you choose your result of it all.... Is up to you. Best of luck, hope all goes well. ~Mask

[Omid 215 / 5,687]

Just now, Ejfeds said:

I would, but that is too much work to take care of.

would you rather have a private therapist that you know can keep things on the dl or a gaming community that is gonna troll the shit out of you for venting? c'mon dude. don't let yourself emotionally open up to people who are pieces of shit lol. 

[EJ. 638 / 12,615]

1 minute ago, Maskiee said:

Hmmmm.... Interesting read before I end my night and call it a day. Although I give you a hard time, as much as most others.... I'm here if you need me. I've been through a lot of similar things family wise, which might be reasoning to why I'd be able to help you out on this a bit more than others who don't quite understand the situation, but you have people here for you, man. Think about our little Deathrun family. Haha. You got a whole world of people that'll talk to you. Just give them a chance. Life's full of surprises, and many ups and downs, but how you choose your result of it all.... Is up to you. Best of luck, hope all goes well. ~Mask

Thank you Maskiee. I extremely appreciate it.

[Mundo 124 / 3,654]

EJ, I did not realize you went through all this stuff.  I have had a close family member go through some of the suicide stuff and if you need ANYTHING just let me know.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  It is a sign of maturity, NOT weakness

[myPHART 281 / 5,459]

Considering I know most, if not all, of how you feel, it's tough man. So much bullshit.

 

But we have to become stronger for ourselves and our loved ones. It's how we become better people. Now, our situations may be different, but I feel as if I know what you're going through.

 

And before you guys slam me for 'not knowing shit,' I was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. Not to mention I've been struggling with an addiction for God knows how long. I know what depression is. I know how it feels. It's real, and it fucking hurts.

 

But just because it hurts, it doesn't mean that there won't be someone out there who knows your pain, and can help shoulder the burden that you carry every day.

 

 

EDIT: People are fucking assholes. But just because 99% of people in the world are self-gratifying pieces of shit who like to put down other people to make themselves feel better, it doesn't mean that you can't find that 1% that you'll cherish for the rest of your life.

Edited February 5, 2017 by myPHART
Wanted to add more encouragement

[EJ. 638 / 12,615]

1 minute ago, myPHART said:

And before you guys slam me for 'not knowing shit,' I was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. Not to mention I've been struggling with an addiction for God knows how long. I know what depression is. I know how it feels. It's real, and it fucking hurts.

It is cancer? Damn. Hopefully it isn't too major, and everything will get cleared up soon. My aunt has breast cancer currently, and she has to take Chemo Pills everyday for the next 5 Years.

[xmi 2,770 / 32,506]

This is honestly really sad, and I admire your courage to share this with us. Life is tough, and there will always be moments of it where it will really hurt and it will be hard to move on, but getting through it makes us a strong person. I have had difficult times too, and depression doesn't really help, but I just focus on my future and try again. Trying to not let things get to us is a hard thing, but it's worth all the effort. I might not know you well, but if you need someone to talk to, I am always available to help. Stay positive.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Korowa

[Faex 486 / 8,692]

Just going to say one of my favorite quotes here. Ships don't sink because of the water around them, they sink because they let the water get inside them.