The Shattered Confines within the mind of Di$TuRbEd_0N3

[Disturbed_one 85 / 3,177]

The response that @MrManslayerX posted on the daily question hit home with me, for often times it seems we are one in the same, both in mind and in life and i often see many connections. Thus it compelled me to dig this off of an old forum post from another community i was previously apart of, and i will add to it as i see fit.

 

Yet I have grown to love this community, i write this as an insight into who i really am and how i got where i am in life, i look not for pity or sorrow.

I suppose this all begins when i was 5 years old, that's when my mother walked out on me. I can still see the smile on her face when she told me she would be back soon, i never saw her until i was 17, but we shall return to this. In her absence i lived with my father and my grandmother till i was around 8 years old. Thats when i met my stepmother Jennifer. Things seemed good at first, then again it always does. Little did i know it was the beginning of my torment. Jen and i never saw eye to eye, there were often times i would say "you just hate me" and she would respond in kind with "i dont hate you, i just really dont like you" in my mind there wasn't much difference, as i grew older jen and my step sister Sarah would plant their undergarments in my room, then "magically" find them shortly later. ever since then i was labeled a sexual Deviant in the eyes of my family, and those scars continue to haunt me to this day. My father and my step mother conceived 3 children, my younger sister Samantha, and my twin brothers Sean and Josh. 3 years after samantha was born, my step mother decided to further my hell by convincing my father that i had sexually molested her, i was 9-10 at the time. This cast me out even further, to the point that they locked my door from the outside and put an alarm on if for safe measure, my own family seemed to hate me and there wasn't much i could do, i got into fights with my father, my step mother would hit me, and i even got into a brawl with my step sister sarah at one point. It eventually got to the point to where i could do no right in their eyes. This whole episode decided to repeat itself until i was in highschool, when i finally couldnt take it anymore and i ran away.

On the night that i had left i had gotten into yet another Brawl with my father, i had just gotten out of the shower and i had to fight to get dressed, before getting pushed out the door. My fathers parting words were "If you can clean up your act and not be a threat to this family, then you are welcome home." i responded with "go Fuck yourself ive done nothing wrong, and im never coming back." For 3 years i lived on the streets. Slumming, couch hopping when i could, sleeping on a park bench if all else failed. During my time on the streets i fell into drug use, starting with pot, then drinking, and after a while i just didnt give a fuck. I have either Sold or done, pot, ecstacy, cocaine, heroin, acid, shrooms, and even meth, i even went as far as to steal ritalin(another form of adderal basically) from an 8 year old kid so i could sell it to get by. Am i proud of any of this? Fuck no. Do i regret any of this? a little but not much, only with the insight that those fuck ups molded me into the man i am today.

When i was 18 i finally reconnected with my Mother Jamie, who has the custody of my other siblings Johnny and Kayla, at first i was blinded by the fact that i had someone that cared about me, and that i finally had someone to love. Turns out it was a huge misplacement of love, My mother turned out to be a tweaker(meth addict), which is when i got into heavy meth use and dealing, yes my meth use came from my own mother. after time passed she began to show her true colors, she was a selfish bitch that didnt deserve custody of the kids, but i digress. My younger brother johnny got mixed up in some gang activities, which rained hell on me and my family. See johnny has a mouth, and likes to run it at all the wrong times, that being said, he was wanted dead, and the ones after him were somewhat ruthless. They attacked me and my family relentlessly, smashing windows, destroying my mothers car, and even shooting up the house. Then i had had enough. Me and a buddy decided to retaliate, which was a mistake. I had gotten a few guns from the guys in the area that actually liked my family and only wanted to help us defend ourselves. The end result of my bravado ended up getting my buddy killed, he took a shot gun to the side of the head, while i was mugged, stripped to my boxers, and beaten as a message. To this day i dont know why they let me live.

After all of this had taken place i decided to say fuck this. i disconnected from my mentally fucked up family, and the friends i had made along the way and turned over a fresh leaf in a new town. Hooked up with my oldest friend Geoff(jeff) i havent seen since the end of grade school, explained the above, and asked for help. I immediately got a job and saved up some money, little did i know that i had made yet another grave error. While things were great for a year, i had no idea that Geoff was Severely Clinically Depressed, with Bipolar, and a constant need for attention. Well i obviously knew as time went on, but i never comprehended the magnitude until time went by, this kid was attached to me like a fucking dog. always a kiss ass, and always wanting me to entertain him, at first i was cool with it, it was nice to have someone look up to me and always want to be around me. But eventually it went too far, when i would want to do my own thing, or something he didnt want to do, he would shut down and get all depressed. It went so far to where he started bashing his own head into the doorframe trying to break his own skull, gashed it rather nicely, seeing this i naturally freaked my out, i had no idea how to handle the situation, luckily his father was home, and hear the struggle as i wrestled him to the floor in an attempt to get him to stop the self destruction. He was sent off to an institution, and  i made arrangements with my grandmother to live with her, which is where i currently reside, trying to yet again make it on my own.

If you took the time to read this all the way i cannot extend my thanks enough. It means alot to me, and i ask you forgive any typos or grammar mistakes, while a fast learner i never did well in school since all that happened.

 

This is where my story continues, freshly written this very moment. While living with my grandmother things were alright, i started working another job during the overnights (i really like this schedule, thanks to drugs and my jobs). I started saving money, and picking up the pieces of my life, when my own mental instabilities started to kick in due to the loneliness. Yes i understand you can say "you were living with your grandma" or "You held a job, you had some form of social life" but its quite contrary, seeing as overnight jobs do not deal with customers, and your co-workers and your self included all really hate your job, and therefore aren't really interested in conversing with one another, but rather keeping to oneself and completing their job so they can go home. When work was finished i would get home around the time my grandmother was leaving for work, (shes 62 working 8am-6:30pm, and about 4 years from retirement) and naturally she would get home and be getting ready for bed about the same time that i would wake up for work, or whatever it was i did in my free time. Thus i never interacted with her either, but luckily after many months rolled by i met a girl named Kolette Zernich, and from then on we hit it off (Yay a highlight to a rather depressing story ~insert thumbs up~). I went to visit her on one of my days off and quite literally never left. Her and have been happily steady since Apr 11th 2015, and i cannot foresee any signs of us stopping  in the near future, much unlike this story which i intend to wrap up here.

 

So yet again if you decided to read this all the way through, i thank you for taking an interest in understanding a little more about myself. Also i feel its worth mentioning that im technically a Certified High school Dropout, but the only real subject that has really failed me is Clearly English and Grammar (always hated that subject and always will, despite my large vocabulary and articulate spoken sentences). If you have any Further questions about myself feel free to ask me in a personal message within the site, or find me on steam, but id rather not answer them here. Not sure why, but i just don't, this post wasn't intended to be a QnA themed thread, for all i wanted to do was share who i am with the community, and with that you can take it or leave it.

This is a Picture of my love Kolette

And Durr, this is a picture of myself.

[MrManslayerX 390 / 6,713]

You might consider having your own documentary made... That was a hell of a read.

[MrManslayerX 390 / 6,713]

I'm not about to post my own story on this website. But hell, makes my life seem like a cake walk compared to yours. It's funny, that. You might think you seen shit, but then there's someone else that's seen much worse.
My life mostly consisted of trying to deal with mental and emotional damage from my mother, until I could finally get over it. I had three ex girlfriends that I ended up breaking up with, each one ruining me and remaking me just as much as the last one.
I wanted to become a therapist, but eh. Too many years of college. And I'm starting to get sick of it, really. It hurts when you go to help someone, and they still walk into the exact same issues you pointed out to them. I've helped many, many people with their lives... The count is well over 100. I've seen all walks of life. I've changed many lives. I've saved lives. I won't claim to be a miracle worker, but dozens would say they'd be dead without me.
But. I'm just a guy on the internet. And that's all I ever was to these people. Funny, what the internet can do for a person. It truly is something to be marveled at.

[Disturbed_one 85 / 3,177]

2 hours ago, MrManslayerX said:

I wanted to become a therapist,

then you get to deal with patients like me :D, but there's a lot of truth to the rest of your response, psycho humor aside that is

 

[Aurelien 344 / 6,758]

I dont know you Disturbed, but i congratulate you for recovering and having a happy life atm, recovering from such a dark past is hard I GUESS.

[MrManslayerX 390 / 6,713]

3 hours ago, Aurelien said:

I dont know you Disturbed, but i congratulate you for recovering and having a happy life atm, recovering from such a dark past is hard I GUESS.

I know from experience, your scars just empower you to carry on, once you've completely surmounted them. Sure, there's always remnants of the past, but you can use these things to your advantage. Something I like to say is, no matter what happens, no matter how tragic or awful it is, you can always pull something positive out of it.

[Disturbed_one 85 / 3,177]

Well i would have to say that they CAN empower you, some old scars run deep and still torment me today.

[SpiritedAwaySarah 2 / 1,524]

Hi there, I know kolette from school and she's amazing. I miss her so much, and have been thinking about her a lot lately. I don't know if she'd remember me since we've been out of contact for a couple years now. But if you see this, would you tell her that Sarah from Chandler (who moved to Idaho) misses her very much and would like to catch up, and also get to know you 

[Joshy 4,370 / 45,016]

18 minutes ago, SpiritedAwaySarah said:

Hi there, I know kolette from school and she's amazing. I miss her so much, and have been thinking about her a lot lately. I don't know if she'd remember me since we've been out of contact for a couple years now. But if you see this, would you tell her that Sarah from Chandler (who moved to Idaho) misses her very much and would like to catch up, and also get to know you 

 

Wow!  Small world, unless Disturbed recruit you here.  We highly frown upon "necro" posting, but I can see why you posted here.  I've spoken to Kolette while on Steam chat with Disturbed; wonderful person!  Great to see connections made and hope to see you around in our games.  Disturbed and I are highly interested in the Counter-Strike Source servers, so that's an easy way to catch us online aside from the forums.

 

Cheers!

[SpiritedAwaySarah 2 / 1,524]

4 minutes ago, Joshy said:

 

Wow!  Small world, unless Disturbed recruit you here.  We highly frown upon "necro" posting, but I can see why you posted here.  I've spoken to Kolette while on Steam chat with Disturbed; wonderful person!  Great to see connections made and hope to see you around in our games.  Disturbed and I are highly interested in the Counter-Strike Source servers, so that's an easy way to catch us online aside from the forums.

 

Cheers!

Oops I'm sorry, I don't wanna break any rules, I just recognized his story and never thought I'd really come across her again so it surprised me to see her picture here! 

[Joshy 4,370 / 45,016]

Just now, SpiritedAwaySarah said:

Oops I'm sorry, I don't wanna break any rules, I just recognized his story and never thought I'd really come across her again so it surprised me to see her picture here! 

 

No worries!  I'm one of the forums moderators, so you're safe by me I was really surprised by your post because the necro-posting is usually poor quality spam... it was cool to catch your story, so I'm very thankful for what you wrote.

[SpiritedAwaySarah 2 / 1,524]

6 minutes ago, Joshy said:

 

No worries!  I'm one of the forums moderators, so you're safe by me I was really surprised by your post because the necro-posting is usually poor quality spam... it was cool to catch your story, so I'm very thankful for what you wrote.

I figured I was kinda going out on a limb posting in a public forum, this isn't my typical environment if I'm being completely honest with you. I was doing some detective work online searching for kolette and found this and got a tid bit excited haha and jumped on the chance to possibly contact her after so long! Thank you very much for allowing me to post since it isn't game related; the only spam I post is infinite amounts of memes in my Facebook ?